Dream Journal


with bipolar/ptsd/synesthesia/etc, I've always had intense & strange dreams-at times it was sleep paralysis, at times it's been things I'm convinced are prophetic, Ive died in dreams (it’s usually fizzy, like your skin is pop rocks? Or the bubbles in a glass of champagne) & can smell the perfume of those I'm dreaming about as I wake. I have persistent, overwhelming deja vu.


organized chronologically with most recent first.

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MOST RECENT :

10/29/23

I’m trying to close tables out at work but I somehow hit a button that locked all my abilities & I keep asking for help. I get quadruple sat and it’s 10 min till kitchen closes, Tim’s working and he’s already throwing a fit about me ringing in tickets this late. I have some guy yelling at me from one of the 4 tables that don’t even have waters yet to try to order a drink that’s been taken off the menu because the liquor is unavailable. I’m crying to Liz whose fixing the computer. I turn to the yeller, fake smile, and say “I’ll be with you in just a moment”. i drop the smile as I turn back around, he starts heckling about my fakeness.


09/03/23

I’m at work (at the restaurant I work at irl) We’re in the middle of a rush. It’s so busy everyone has moved all the tables & they need so much dumb shit & they’re huge tables. My manager has changed the register computer & I keep trying to input people’s orders & food but the computer won’t let me. I can’t find their tables I can’t find the food. People are watching over my shoulder. They’re unhappy with me. I’m trying my best. I can’t tell which tables are mine anymore. I’m somehow both wandering listlessly & running around in a panicked rush. I’m rolling a stupid amount of silverware. I’m prepping burgers for some reason. They update the computers, I still can’t input anything but everyone else can without problem.


6/8/23

I dreamed I was at a film professors house (he’s a regular at the restaurant I work at) I was talking to him about his film some of them are really intense & he has one that’s kinda banned for being too scary (this is dream ahit not irl) then this guy comes in he’s being erratic a super fan, tearing apart the apartment looking for something. He pulling paintings off the wall and finally pulls on wainscoating and it reveals a hidden door with a small safe behind it. The professor gives up the code & gives him a small printed sheet. The professor seems deflated, resigned. The other man continues to move thru the space erratically. There was more that happened here but I forgot. We’re in another room and my old friends are there the erratic man & my friend Chris go missing, I’m searching for Chris. I find like an audio control board and believe it’s possessed so I take off all the chords (like the 1/8th in plugs im not ripping actual wires out) there’s so many video games & books here dedicated to this directors tamer for kids works. I take the sound board in the other room & with others plug the wires back in, suddenly pages of text appear & briefly my coworker Andrew seems possessed by Chris’ spirit I hug Andrew and hold him right kissing him on the cheek like a parents in a movie reunited with their kid. Andrew is uncomfortable with this amount of physical touch (both irl & in the dream) and I let him go slowly. Text appears above where the mixer was. It’s on a worn old sheet of paper. The erratic man used the old footage & Chris to time travel to move thru space. I’m trying to read this out to friends but the text keeps disappearing & the room keeps fulling with more and more people. By the end my voice is not loud enough & I’ve lost control of the room while a man whose brought his own mic wrestled me for control of the space. I’m defeated & wake up with a horse throat like I’d gone to a concert last night.


11/7/22

I’m back in a school, I’m in class everything on the board is nonsense (we keep making jokes like “what us this riverdale high??”) class is disrupted & I realize I need to get my research credit. We go to the research center, it’s very fancy//well funded && my friends& I think the only way the school can be getting this kind of money is either defense or some major corporation doing seriously nefarious marketing research. It’s supposed to be all psychological testing & we go to the waiting room you have to be buzzed thru multiple doors. They take all your phones, electronics, pens. They give you one pen in a small individual wrapped plastic bag with a card of info, im trying to figure out where to go but the map just shows 3 large squares the receptionist laughs “can’t give away our secrets haha” & escorts to the rooms after we sign nda’s. I get to the room there’s a guy with a clipboard at the point where a semicircle of chairs is all pointing. He asks for my name, I consider giving him a fake, but they took my info at the front. I tell him as others filter in i ask his and he goes ah ah ahhh.

As we sit we see we’re in a lush greenhouse. We’re all broke college kids told we should collect produce so people are getting everything. One guy has a mini pool he & his friends are putting things into. I make friends with the guy sitting next to me. He finds this fruit like a slightly bluer eggplant, he peels it and instead of white it’s bright blue. He sucks it like a go-gurt or mango seed. He gets very flush, I start fanning him,

Bright Blue liquid eaks out his lips, he wipes it off and his pallor is white as a sheet, then I look away and back and his skin is gray, too loose, textured more. I’m asking if he’s ok and he stumbles over and grabs the arm of another person i watch the gray spread along her arm she coughs up bright blue. He starts chasing me & I know I can’t let him touch me. I’m running, begging the instructor to let us out or lock him in the greenhouse since he’s the only one with key card door access. He’s trying but the zombie guy is too strong. We run out into the hall but it’s a labyrinth out there. Everyone is running, it’s hard to tell whose chasing & whose fleeing. My coworker grabs me & she pulls me under a desk while hiding there these fruit roll towards us. A girl in a beautiful Flowing dress bends down and In one motion smashed the fruit & smears it into a spiral on the floor, it turns a healthy green, grows sprouts & she is unaffected.

I wake up.


10/21/22 cont

Irl I watched labyrinth the other day && it reminded me of a recurring dream I had as a kid.

In the dream I would be in a store, usually big box or like a mall, idk get separated from my mom, I’d be wandering, hiding in the small space at the center of the circular clothes racks, eventually I would make my way to an attic or back room. This room had distinctly different vibes. (Like the room was both more domestic & more liminal than a mall, like a great aunts basement you’re in for the first time, like sure you know these people but only kind of and you’re in their weird house) it’s dark colors and dinghy not well lit. In it are people, with varying limbs missing, some are just torsos and heads, some are just missing hands, fingers, a foot, an ear. Usually those missing more beg you to take them, beg you to help them, so, I find a cart, they sit in the cart, and I run thru the store trying to find their limbs that are missing, I know they’re here, and they keep telling me they are. Every once in awhile I find one and stack it in the cart & run back to the basement/attic with my full cart of limbs trying to reunite the right limb with the right person, they click & pop back onto peoples bodies like a Barbie’s arm back in place. The body horror of it is never the scary part neither the limbs nor bodies are bloody or anything, rather it’s the desperation and the insistence that I look, the speed and intensity im pushed, sometimes I cry telling them I need to look for my mom, I’m lost, how am I supposed to find everything, I’m the one who should be looked for right now. I don’t remember ever finding my mom or being found.



10/21/22

I had a lot of weird stressful bad dreams last week that I couldn’t quite remember. A lot of looking, being lost, in endless spaces. Unsure what’s happening


I dreamed I was meeting Sarah at a basketball game they’re with a bunch of people it’s like a high school gym and we’re trying to give space for social distancing so we’re all yelling to be heard there’s a few people i recognize from high school. I’m trying to be not weird. I go out to try to buy beers and there’s a strange little outdoor hut/shed they’re selling them out of they’re warm & as I’m trying to buy them someone gives me a dog to watch so I’m like holding the dog and my parents walk up, even tho I’ve already paid they’re trying to buy me the beers. My sister is a baby again, they’re carrying her around, and trying to take care of her, the dog, me, this situation. The cashier is confused by what’s happening. I’m asking if he has any not warm beers. He just gives a full 6 pack of Oberon. Im trying to navigate back to their seats but we’re at the Norte dame stadium now im trying to get this dog, be cool with my parents. Theres something sexual going on im trying to hide from my parents & some random people from high school. I talk with a guy from high school, quinn (irl he was always Really Cool, did all the sports, etc, I was extremely a weird little nerd, but we were always cool/friendly?) but sarah keeps trying to get my attention to show me sex toys they keep pulling out of my bag & theirs and I’m trying to be like “dude, my parents & all these rando prudes are right here! can you chill for like just a lil bit on that?” Quinn is clearly embarrassed/uncomfortable by having to be part of that conversation, my parents are trying to make him take some pastries they brought/made home to his wife in tinfoil.


Lol sometimes I have dreams and it’s like “what is my brain possibly processing dreaming this??????” Other days (like last night) it’s like “ok so this one might be obvious”




10/15/22

It’s my weekend of graduation & we’re running around a ton, I found a shirt I like at target but it’s $50 & the target is huge. There’s friends at my house & there’s clothes everywhere. Everywhere. I’m trying to find something to wear. Nothing is right, it’s all dirty and I’m climbing over mountains of clothes. Going back & forth. I finally get clothes and get in my car i drive around and we pick up a few things. I go back to my place we’re supposed to meet Sarah at a show - parliament is playing somewhere as part of a pitchfork thing. But the show is now at a secret location. Sarah has the address but my phone is glitching. I’ve called an Uber and dom & I are trying to get thru Fulton market (but it’s also the mall of America) everyone is saying the secret location thing is because some kids stole the sound system & took it to the south side & pitchfork is just being cool about it but I think that’s just a marketing gimmick they’re lying about. We accidentally stumble into the second “secret show” it’s Sarah bariellis but it’s not her songs we know & someone from pitchfork is like there as an announcer and is like “our third show is at revival” (I don’t remember who but I think it was not a real band irl but in dream world they’re equivalent to like a pavement ?) butour Uber is about to leave so we’re jumping over people in this weird movie theater seating. I’m trying to text Sarah to tell them it’s moved but my phone won’t type. Before all of this, I’d been at home and gotten in a screaming yelling fight with my dad (he’s never yelled that Ive seen before irl) he’s being super weird and it’s kind of scaring me so I keep trying to call him while we’re running thru Fulton/mall of America but again my phone won’t work. I also just left a few other friends at my place to hang out and eat even tho he was being super weird and also try to contact them. I’m worried and they’re trying to get me into the car but it’s not the right guy I don’t think. The car in front of us is mad, I opened his door thinkin it was him.


- This is the least stressful but most remembered dream I’ve had in like 3 days -


10/11/22

I’m at a flea market? I pick up a book the title implies it’s about making a guitar, but as I flip thru I start reading and it’s talking about silver saplings and the moon, how your guitar is not truly finished until you plant a tree and it grows to the age & maturity of the wood you used, of the tree you’d felled. How you can use young wood, because the soft bark can still drink in moonlight, which resonates in the tones played.

It was a lovely book of prose I wish was real or I wish I could remember the name. It was yellowed and the cover design suggested maybe 70s or 80s, a paper spine showing it’s been read before, but still in great condition



10/10/22

I’m living in a dorm again. My mom & sister are visiting and I’m taking them to a lot of restaurants and bars I’m trying to get my little sister to do karaoke with me.

We’re back at my parents house getting ready for Olivia’s graduation. Anna is on top of it, she’s getting things ready. I go to the bathroom in Anna’s room. In the dream she lives in this open plan room where there’s her bedroom, an office type room and HUGE bathroom. All connected & separated by half walls. I sit on the toilet and am stuck and people just keep walking by. A bunch of. Teens who are friends with my sister in the dream come in to pick up something. I’m stuck on the toilet & trying to get them to leave I’m heckling them after they mock me. A hot pta dad (but who does not look boring like a pta dad, more idris elba) comes by & is like gently making fun of me. I finally find a moment of privacy to wipe, and find out there’s like 1 square of toilet paper. I’m calling out but the 15 people milling around are ignoring me. I figure fine this is the moment to do it, I pull up my underwear, and pta mom (very stereotypical pta mom) comes over & is like “ahhh yes, the ladies reinforced crotch for wide set birthing vaginas” & explains the merits of them in detail to hot pta dad. I pull up the second pair of underwear I’m apparently wearing and the description of this one is even more embarrassing, I look for my shorts.



10/6/22

I’m in an airport again, I’m reconsilidating mu bags over and over I can’t find the terminal. I have a ton of snacks in my bag but none of them were secured and they’re all soggy now. There’s a little girl who keeps trying to get me to throw away all my clothes because she thinks they’re ugly


9/30/22

Im at my old job. We’re working it’s hectic, there’s a thing I need to be with my family for. It seems like a house party but my old boss keeps asking people questions and we need to lie to her so she’s not mad. None of us want to be there, but have to. I finally get out, as I take a big drag on a joint im lighting I realize my parents, sisters, and grandparents are waiting in my parents van. We’re going on a road trip and we’re supposed to leave hours ago. They’re disappointed, my mom is mad. We’re yelling at each other. I couldn’t leave because someone was having brain surgery I’d gone back in, I was waiting on pins & needles to see if he was ok. I felt like it was my fault somehow & I didn’t want anyone to know.

I continue to be inside I keep trying to leave but my boss keeps trying to force me to do things or comfort her. Im cooking making food for them trying to leave. I see my family leave my mom says I told them what we were bleating they’re not here. My dad is trying to make her wait my grandparents are too but she’s gotten my sisters in the car and is saying she’s gonna drive away. I keep arguing with the boss to let me leave but she’s ignoring me.




9/27/22

We were taking my cousin to the hospital & while waiting to check in to the hospital the line turned into the line at a very busy Panda Express inside an airport, we ran around the airport and it briefly became a high school and then was an airport again. I was chatting with some people, a couple, they started asking if I wanted to sugar baby and offered me 300k to go hang out with this guy in another city. And i was skeptical because that’s a lot of money to be stranded in another city without escape (if it seems too good to be true….) and then they showed me videos of this guys cats and he wanted a cat baby sitter as well and I was sold. I get there he’s an exec at Boeing. The other 2 girls i went there with are on a boat with him & im on a boat with some friends of his, the waters choppy but we get to a swamp area getting back to his home, the guy driving bails and walks home because the water is shallow enough. A woman drives up in a huge pickup truck with an injured pit bull. I am blocking the road trying to find a way to get this boat unstuck and ask her if she’ll drive thru the shallow, well connect to her trailer hitch and winch ourselves thru (& then we can get her to the vet once the boat is unstuck). We do. & get back to his docks. The Boeing guy laughs, “oh you didn’t need to do all that, my friend had the right idea, walk back & I’ll send someone later to find the gps” I never got to see his cats.

I went back to the airport, my coworker Angel was there, working for the couple, but kept hugging me and picking me up in a very highschool-boyfriend-in-a-movie way. There was cats at the airport now.


9/19/22

I don’t remember the context but I dreamed someone was eating human feet. And kept showIng off how that trick in the commercials for TikTok on how to eat chicken wings works for deboning these too.

This was, surprisingly less scary in dream world than it sounds.

I then dreamed my parents & 1 of my sisters & I were on the lam. We were mostly hiding in peoples basements & I kept going out to get intel & almost getting caught.


9/15/22

I dreamed I was a teacher doing parent teach conferences. But it was at a bar that like there was two large tables and to be heard I needed to be sort of between the tables but couldn’t look at both at the same time and couldn’t hold their attention & once I turned to one table I’d hear the other start chatting. We were there because the entire class had been punished for trying to go in this cave during school (half way thru we found out they’d tried to go to the caves again and a few dads immediately volunteered who I trusted to go get them). I was trying to be fair to the kids. & I’d been their teacher all covid. My voice kept cracking from T when I tried to speak louder.



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